By Darren Gutteridge
Welcome to the Gutt Reactions blog, a slightly skewed look back at the last week in wrestling! Warning: there be attempted humor here...
The Three Man Power Trip
WrestleMania 30 is coming to us from the Mercedes Benz Superdome in New Orleans on April 6, and even I, an Englishman not terribly interested in American football, knows of the infamous event that occurred at Superbowl XLVII. The game (is it "a game" in America, or "a match"? All non-condescending answers will be accepted gratefully) had to be stopped for over half an hour due to a power outage.
That's a big problem for a football match, but an even bigger problem for a wrestling show going out on PPV with a finite amount of time to get through the show. How would WWE cope with such a problem? Quite easily, actually! In fact, they told you how they would deal with it Monday night.
Lets say they get the warning signs early on. The lights dip, but don't go out. The company would make a change the their booking, and as a result, Triple H would beat Daniel Bryan. How would that help? Simple – if you thought Chernobyl was bad, you have NO IDEA the level of nuclear heat HHH vs. Orton vs. Batsita would generate.
They would simply attach a power cable to the underside of the ring, have Cole, King and JBL wear hazmat suits, and let the good people of New Orleans create enough violent energy that not only would it keep the stadium running, but also power the rest of Louisiana for a week, with enough electricity left over to reanimate Andre the Giant, enabling him to enter his own memorial battle royal...
Andre is a Belieber
Speaking of the 30 man battle royal, what I am about to pitch is my genuine plan to create not only an unintentionally hilarious spectacle, but also the biggest heel in wrestling history. You can't even begin to comprehend the greatness of my forthcoming genius. Ready?
Have Justin Bieber sing every entrants entrance music live.
Oh yes. Bizarre and hateful as it sounds, it's actually the best idea I have ever come up with, and it totally something WWE would do if they could. Wrestling has a past with celebrities who have had brushes with the law (Pac-man Jones, Dennis Rodman etc), AND for playing host to obnoxious music stars (Kevin Federline, Nickelback etc.). Bieber is both of those things, plus he comes with a ton of publicity, which is Vince McMahon's drug of choice. So, in my vision, they hire him as Mania's musical performance, and he sings every single wrestler's entrance music.
A Bieber version of Big E's "Three ain't enough man, I need five! UH! Just give me more!"? How about the he warbles his way through "Somebody's gonna get their ass kicked"? Hell, seeing him sing Sheamus' "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" would be worth it. It would be a beautiful car crash.
And I haven't even got to the twist yet. You want a new main event heel? Have Bieber be entrant number 30. And have him win. Genius right?! Have him form a stable with Vickie Guerrero and Bo Dallas, and you have a heat-creating formula strong enough to restart the freaking sun.
It's still real to me, damn it!
In this week's look at the bizarre, I contemplate how, in a world with benevolent bosses, crazy CEOs and supernatural Human Resources representatives, an internal complaints meeting may go down...
HR: Hello, Mr. Bryan. I understand you want to file a formal complaint on the grounds of an unsafe work environment.
Bryan: Yes, my boss beat me up while I was in handcuffs.
HR: What! That is horrendous. Is this the first time this has happened?
Bryan: No, he has laid his hands on me several times. But then the next week he's back to normal, telling everyone what a great show they have in store. He's like Darth Vader choking a guy out before turning around and being the host of the "Death Stars in their Eyes" or something.
HR: This is hardly the time for humour, Mr. Bryan. Is there no one of similar corporate standing who you could go to about this?
Bryan: Yeah, that would be his wife, who cheered when her husband tried to drown me.
HR: Then my suggestion is to go immediately to your HR representative...
Bryan: Not likely, he's also beat me up several times in the past few weeks. He also doesn't wear a shirt most of the time.
HR: A shirt?
Bryan: Yeah, he just wears trousers everywhere. And he shoots fire, so I'd rather not speak to him.
HR: In that case, go above all of their heads and go to the CEO of the company directly.
Bryan: Please, that old son of a bitch would have be bent over kissing his ass if I even knocked on his door.
HR:This is an outrage. I think you'll win this lawsuit with ease, Mr. Bryan. There isn't any previous misgivings on your part I should know about, is there?
Bryan: I did once get fired for choking a guy with his own tie on national TV.
HR: ... You and you're entire company are beyond my help. You see that this meeting has run it's course, right?
Bryan YES! YES! Y... Sorry, when people ask me open ended questions, I kind of go into auto pilot.
HR: Get out of my office.
Thanks for reading. Be sure to check out the Dot Net NXT podcast with Zack Zimmerman and myself, available exclusively for members of the site! If you have any thoughts on the article, add me on Twitter - @DazatheG
3/23 Gutt Reactions Blog: Nuclear power, Daniel Bryan filling a complaint with WWE human resources, and how to create the biggest heel in wrestling
Mar 23, 2014 - 11:35 AM
Mar 23, 2014 - 11:35 AM
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