By Will Pruett
These rankings are scientifically calculated by the Rank-o-matic 4000 and verified by four out of five top scientists in the wrestling arts. They are to be taken solemnly and with absolute seriousness.
1. Undertaker. Who needs a story when you have a casket and some special effects? Undertaker decided to show up on Raw in full Magic-Taker form. He appeared from a casket, accompanied by Druids, and controlled the lighting around him. I was hoping for at least a little levitation, but no such luck.
2. Every Diva Ever. Vickie Guerrero decided to put basically every woman currently employed by WWE in a match without actual defined rules for WrestleMania. Of course, it's impossible to train for a match without defined rules and in any actual sport, this kind of thing would never fly. Who cares about that though? My money is on Sandra the seamstress to win it all!
3. Seth Rollins. Rollins is continuously stealing shows with his spectacular babyface move set. I didn't realize he was holding back as a heel for the last year until I saw him truly cut loose. Fans are reacting to Rollins' major flurries and he is getting much better in the promo department. I believe in The Shield, but I believe in Seth Rollins as well.
4. Trinity/Naomi. Someone needed to tell Ariane how not cool it was to show everyone naked pictures of a co-worker. Most people know this isn't alright, but apparently Ariane was never taught this. Trinity often seems like the only levelheaded person on this show.
5. Triple H. Triple H went into full heel mode on Monday night, which meant he went into full long-winded Triple H promo mode. He was able to construct a very good core for the promo which could have carried him for about five minutes. He used this core to talk for ten. This is a classic Triple H move. I was almost nostalgic for it.
6. Luke Harper. This member of The Wyatt Family had a breakout match against John Cena on Raw. Through this performance, he showed why he was an indie standout and why WWE snatched him out of the indie talent pool quickly. Harper has an Undertaker-esque combination of athleticism and size. It's rare and really exciting to see.
7. John Cena's Prophetic Bathroom Mirror. I would be willing to bet Cena knew he would be getting sheep masked on Raw. He saw the sheep mask in the mirror, so obviously it was telling him the future.
8. Willow. I didn't believe in Jeff Hardy's alter ego until I saw he owns his own cabin. Cabin ownership is a remarkable responsibility.
9. Candice LaRae. Candice had the opportunity to main event her first PWG show on Saturday night in a singles PWG Championship match against Adam Cole. LaRae's star has been on the rise for the last year and a half. Her performances against Cole, The Young Bucks, and Kevin Steen have been nothing less than amazing. LaRae is one of the best babyfaces on the indie scene.
10. Druids. Anytime someone gets featured in the main event overrun segment of Monday Night Raw, they have to be considered for ranking. Undertaker's Druids, with their slow walk to and from and to the ring were a highlight of an otherwise cartoony closing segment on Monday.
Just missing the cut: Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar's high pitched squeak, Ethan Carter III, The Wolves, Abyss mask guy, Cesaro, Jack Swagger, The Uso's, Scooby Doo, and El Torito.
Nowhere near this list: Hulk Hogan, Celebrities, Ariane/Cameron, Jason Albert, Big E, Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, Miz, Fandango, Rockstar Spud, Dixie Carter, MVP, and B-Boy.
Will Pruett writes about wrestling in a facetious and often humorous way. Feel free to email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or to follow him and interact on twitter at twitter.com/itswilltime.
03/30 Pruett's Weekly Power Rankings: Will Pruett uses his biased eye and tremendous discernment to break down the top ten wrestlers in WWE, TNA, ROH, PWG... hell, the entire industry
Mar 30, 2014 - 01:52 PM
Mar 30, 2014 - 01:52 PM
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