Diva on Divas Season 2 Week 1: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - The girls are back in town as Brie and Bryan plan a wedding, John Cena awkward texts emoji, and Summer Rae creates conflict!
By Will Pruett
Like coming home to an old friend... Diva on Divas has returned! Sure, I disappeared like Jojo before posting the last blog of last year. Let's just say I was emotionally overwhelmed due to the Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella engagement.
The original episode of this show was all about weddings and the show continued to be all about weddings all through season one. While other events happen in the lives of these girls, they focus on getting married. It almost makes me wonder what the show will be like when every girl on the show is married off. Will they all suddenly start having kids? Will WWE fire all of their married divas? Will we have to put up with a Total Divas divorce (please not Brie and Bryan)?
Those are issues for another day. Today, let us discuss marriage. What better way to tell your family about your new choice of life partner than in your own awkwardly unfurnished apartment when they came to visit? Eva Marie couldn't think of a better way to do things, because this is the route she picked. After kicking her fiancé (who can, apparently, wear shirts on occasion) out of the apartment so her parents wouldn't see any of his life paraphernalia, Eva confessed to her marriage (well, she was asked and awkwardly gave a noncommittal "yes"-ish answer). Obviously she has her life together.
On the much cuter and more important marriage front, Brie Bella and "Daniel" Bryan Danielson are happily engaged and registering for their wedding. I remember how much fun I had running around Bed Bath and Beyond (which is consistently mocked for no reason on WWE programming) with the little barcode scanner making wish upon wish and watching many of them come true), but Brie and Bryan did not make this choice. Instead, they brought their recently broken up with twin/friend Nikki Bella along to some weird (even by my standards) store with very green things. They aren't the Crate and Barrel type (which is the only thing I could ever dislike about Brie).
What about Nikki? She just wants everyone to STOP THROWING THEIR HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES (or engagements) IN HER FACE! The show left us with a vicious cliffhanger (I was legitimately angry) with John Cena waiting on a pier in a full suit with wine and roses as Nikki approached in a far-too-short-for-the-beach red dress. She made it very clear (almost too clear) that she was expecting a marriage proposal from John. John has made it clear how much he doesn't want to be married. It's the unstoppable force of love meeting the immovable object of John Cena's precious bachelor life! How will they collide?
The show continues to be about marriage and wrestling, which are two subjects I can get into. My own wife is mildly sucked into this show (while judging me for watching it, like any sensible person should). Somehow, the weddings on Total Divas seem like much more fun than wrestling weddings tend to.
Picking up the pieces:
- Summer Rae finally got the call up to Total Divas after wallowing on the main roster dancing with Fandango for almost a year. This is the most important development in the career of a female wrestler. Total Divas is the WrestleMania of wrestling-based reality shows.
- As a device for creating drama, I believe Summer Rae will be a lot of fun. The show needed a quality villain. Eva Marie (who is still cardboard) was getting too friendly with everyone. Summer Rae trying to take the "quality blonde" roll from Nattie will be fun to watch.
- How cliché was the gossip-spreading segment about Eva Marie's marriage? I would have preferred an old school split screen showing everyone finding out and running to tell someone else. For a secret marriage, Eva Marie sure did tell a ton of people very quickly.
- If Eva Marie could develop half the personality of Jessica Rabbit, I could get behind her calling herself WWE's Jessica Rabbit. It's a cute nickname.
- Even more awkward than working with an ex has to be working with John Cena. The man is a robot.
- I really feel for Nikki. It had to be expensive to change all of those plane tickets from Tampa to San Diego. What about all those boxes she took to Cena's home? What about all the food she left in the kitchen to cook with? Did John even throw it out? Does his housekeeper know Nikki won't be there? This is serious. We're talking about some epic mold issues here.
- I will be turning 30 in just over 3 years. I refuse to call it my "dirty" 30. Let's all be better than this.
- Should I shout "Brie Mode" every time I grab a beer from the refrigerator? Would my wife kill me?
- Something about clubs make me want to die inside. Even watching video footage from one reminds me how not-fun they must be.
- Nattie was all over Vinnie at the Bella Twin Birthday Bash, which was super awkward. Who would ever want to be all over Vinnie? I don't even think Vinnie wants to be all over Vinnie. Ariane had to go to sex therapy to even think of being all over Vinnie. I'm uncomfortable.
- Where was T.J./Tyson Kidd on this show? Does he not want to celebrate A Very Bella Birthday?
- I attended a Christian college where members of the opposite sex were not allowed in each other's rooms with the doors closed. I was reminded of the time I (unsuccessfully) tried to hide a girl in the bathroom of my dorm when Eva was trying to hide her marriage from her parents. I'd say we were on equally immature and misguided footing at the time.
- I hate seeing my ex signing autographs while I'm trying to sign autographs at comic book conventions. It's awkward.
- Hey WWE, stop attacking the places I get my household goods from! First Stephanie McMahon besmirched good name of Bed Bath and Beyond (their store name could really use a comma or two) and now Brie Bella has to hate on Crate and Barrel. This is depressing.
- It's weird how this show seemed to be taking place sometime between Hell in a Cell and TLC, but the WrestleMania sign was up for Summer Rae vs. Natalya. If I didn't know any better, I'd say WWE is playing fast and loose with the timeline in editing. They'd never do this, right? (This is the nerdiest thing I could ever notice about this show.)
- I don't know what Nattie was trying to say when she discussed "strong piss." Perhaps she should go to the doctor and get it checked out.
- Eva Marie's dad need his own spinoff reality show. I could watch him get unspeakably angry on a weekly basis.
- John Cena, we need to have a man to man chat about texting. Please come over here. Thanks. Dude, when you're trying to send a romantic text to reconcile a relationship, please proofread it. This whole "in" instead of "I'm" thing is ridiculous. Don't use autocorrect as an excuse. Just glance at your phone while you use it. You can do better than this.
- John Cena send emoji to Nikki. I'm more than a little worried about the emoji conversations the hyper-sexual Nikki (box of vibrators) must have with John. I'm sure the eggplant is never not on her "recently used" screen.
- There was way too much marriage talk for it not to be marriage, right? It has to be marriage. John Cena's wedding will be a super awkward robot-festival, won't it?
- You know who I did not miss? Jojo. No one misses Jojo.
This season on Diva on Divas: Weddings, weddings, and more weddings! Trinity gets her face crushed because not every diva can be Daniel Bryan's girlfriend! Apparently Summer Rae is mildly promiscuous! And more!
You know what's great? When your feedback doesn't annoy me. Give it your best shot and feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or to follow me and interact on twitter at twitter.com/itswilltime. Basically, let's be best friends.
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