Diva on Divas Week 10: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - Nikki Bella and John Cena's weird sex and surgery jamboree, Brie Bella deals with missing Bryan, Eva Marie announces poorly
By Will Pruett
This week's piece is here with more quips than Nikki Bella has sex toys...
John Cena's life is weird. Watching this show, it became apparent that everything in his life very serious and he is very very weird. This was the most Cena-rific episode of Total Divas yet and it didn't disappoint. We saw Cena go through his miracle arm healing ceremony (I call witchcraft), deal with Nikki Bella moving in to take care of him, and inform Nikki of the "cohabitation agreement" he had drawn up for them.
Let's look at the "cohabitation agreement" first. John Cena, in the odd wrestling tradition of not having contracts signed until the last minute (logically think about contract signings for a moment), presented Nikki with an agreement a few days after she had moved all of her things across the country to move in with him. At no point was this agreement mentioned when they had a romantic dinner together and Cena asked her to move in, or at the countless shows they were at together, or during any of the awkward private jet rides they took. This agreement was far from Cena's mind until after Nikki was already there.
One can only assume John Cena used WWE's crack legal team, which allows for odd last minute contracts, to draw this one up. Poor Nikki was so sad after Cena gave it to her. I'm not quite sure why it was offensive. I get why it was funny, but was it really such a travesty? He was basically giving her a lease, but it didn't require her to pay anything. I would take that deal in a second. Hey John, if you need someone to cohabitate with, I would be a pretty wacky roomie.
Cena also had surgery on this episode. Apparently it went well, but he sprayed blood all over the surgical team. Dr. James Andrews took the spurt like a champ and kept on hacking the tennis ball off of Cena's elbow. Someone had to get rid of that thing. This lead to Nikki taking care of him the only way she knew how; dressing up in a "sexy" nurse outfit and straddling him.
Let's get one thing out of the way first: Brie would have looked way better in the nurse costume. Now, Nikki had lamented about Cena not being able to engage in sexy time for something like ten days after surgery. Why would she torture him like this? Was she trying to blue ball the leader of the Cenation? If she was, John Cena, being the ridiculously serious man that he is, would have taken it as he takes all adversity, and no-sold it.
John Cena's life is weird. Now, as I think about it more, I'm not sure I want to cohabitate with him. Maybe we should take this thing a little slower, John.
Picking up the pieces:
- Eva Marie should probably stop volunteering for things. Watching her fail is actually pretty entertaining, but the shocked reactions of everyone else are way too fake. Eva is bad and most things. Some people are just born with one gift, and her's was red hair dye.
- Ginger Mahal is my new favorite member of 3MB. Also, Heath Slater should lecture everyone about respect. Slater being the veteran in this moment kind of frightened me. Maybe he owes all of this to his NXT Pro, Christian, who helped him learn so very much.
- Ginger Mahal Bread Lattes are all the rage at Starbucks this holiday season.
- The Ginger Mahal Mints they sell at Trader Joe's are quite delicious.
- Could Heath Slater and Mahal ditch McIntyre and use "Ginger and the Ginger" as their team name?
- Eva Marie's announcing voice reminded of me the Will Ferrell SNL "Voice Immodulation Disorder" sketch. Look it up. It's sheer gold.
- The entire Uso dating Trinity, Trinity, and Ariane story was about smells. It was quite gross about 95% of the time. First, it was car farting (because last week apparently didn't reach the show's maximum on toilet humor), then it was toe fungus.
- I can happily say I have never transmitted toe fungus to anyone sexually, like Uso did to Trinity. I feel like a good person for this.
- Does Nikki Bella really need the 14 vibrators she had in that box? We already saw her vibrator once in the first half of the season. I'm beginning to worry about her apparent sex toy shopping addiction. Does WWE rehab cover this?
- To be continued? That's what we're going with? This is not some great classic drama we all want to see play out. Every episode is a continuation of the last anyways.
Next week in Diva on Divas: Brie Bella adorably misses Bryan, Eva Marie wrestles T.J. and somehow upsets Natalya (which has already played out on Raw), Nikki Bella cries about documents, and John Cena is serious.
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