Diva on Divas Week 2: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas including the contrasting lives of John Cena and Daniel Bryan, an intricate Funkadactyl and Bella double turn, why lying is always the best choice


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Diva on Divas Week 2: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas including the contrasting lives of John Cena and Daniel Bryan, an intricate Funkadactyl and Bella double turn, why lying is always the best choice
Aug 5, 2013 - 06:25 PM


By Will Pruett

I'll be watching Total Divas on a weekly basis and writing about it. It's weird, but I kind of like it. What does this say about me?

Oh boy are those Bella Twins different but oh-so-similar. I mean, they are dating two totally opposite guys, but they like them so much! "Daniel" Bryan Danielson and John Cena couldn't be more different, but somehow they're with the same twins. I'm just amazed by coincidences sometimes.

The above paragraph is something close to the conversation I think I am supposed to have after watching this show. What is below is the junk I thought of while watching this episode.

Many wrestling fans were afraid Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena at SummerSlam was going to be built around the Total Divas television program and their respective relationships with Brie and Nicole Bella. They feared a tie-in between the TV show and their beloved Monday Night Raw. The biggest fear was Bryan looking silly (this is the biggest fear of most insider wrestling fans, despite the giant beard Bryan regularly rocks).

This episode did anything but make him look silly (at least sillier). It also provided the perfect story to tie into Raw this week and give Bryan and Cena something to feud over. Bryan callously caused his and John Cena's team to lose a wood-chopping competition to their girlfriends. Cena handed Bryan an easy advantage and in the name of chivalry, Bryan threw the competition, despite most likely being the most adept at chopping wood (it was his wood they were all chopping).

Look, I am not the biggest fan of John Cena, but he handed this competition to Bryan. All Bryan needed to do was win it. Cena should definitely be upset. He now owes Nikki Bella four potentially erotic massages. This is a lot of massaging and Cena is a busy man. Maybe Bryan has the time to spare to massage his Bella, but Cena has press to meet, Make-A-Wishes to grant, and new t-shirt colors to dream up.

The real crux of this episode was Brie coming to a possible realization about her future life with Bryan. It seems she would rather not live in the rainy small-town paradise of Aberdeen, Washington (I believe Brie has an anti-Kurt Cobain bias she isn't willing to discuss, but this is only a guess). This problem, although it seemed as potentially fake as the rest of the show, actually feels real. I could see it being a problem for any couple constantly on the road looking for a place to settle down.

Something about Bryan and Brie seems likable. Nikki and Cena also seem like fun, although John Cena's extravagant wealth being shown off was a bit much. Nikki and Brie were slated to be the stars of this show, and I, like most people, expected them to be the major villains. Alas, they are the shows protagonists and the most likable people on it.

Who don't I like? The Funkadactyls, who have nothing to wear despite multiple suitcases of ring gear and care more about how their breasts look than about how they wrestle. There is nothing about these girls that makes them at all relatable.

The Bella's, on the other hand are in relationships with likable guys, having real-life problems, and seem like good people. Maybe I'm crazy, but is this show one giant double turn?

Picking up the pieces:

- The best worst part of this show was the costume design drama with The Funkadactyls. Not only was it completely obviously awkwardly staged, it also featured the weird dot of vaginal censorship during a "serious" conversation with Sandra, the costume designer. I've had many such conversations with my own personal costume designer, Joe (Tyranny of Style) with similar censorship required.

- All of that said, I would never allow anyone but Joe to make my ring gear. I have standards, damn it!

- I want lying to become Eva Marie's thing. She can't really act anyways, so everything seems like a piece of cardboard is chatting with you. What if she comes up with an outrageous lie every week? My pick: she should discuss how Vince McMahon wants her to end Undertaker's streak next year. It's totes believable.

- Everyone on this show goes by their actual names, which is quite confusing. Well, everyone but Fandango does. I suppose this was better than Johnny Curtis pouring milk on himself (which is what I assume the man playing Fandango does), but it was still odd.

- I know the most romantic proposals happen in hotel rooms while eating doughnuts. Look, I know some things are romantic for reasons others won't realize, but this was odd.

- Jo-Jo is going to be the wet sidekick ever. I don't know who's sidekick she will be when the show is over, but she is destined to be a sidekick.

- I have completely forgotten which Uso Trinity is dating. Whichever one it is does a great impression of something, but I can't figure out what.

- Natalya seems ridiculously patient, but aside from this, I don't see much of a character. Maybe this is an audition to be WWE's new backstage tour guide.

- Stephanie McMahon's appearance on this week's show seemed much more organic than last week's. Maybe this is because she did not attempt to use the faux-word "pshaw" in conversation.

Week two was pretty fun to watch. I enjoyed the tour of John Cena's house (although I would have rather seen each room painted the color of the t-shirt that paid for it) and his extravagant lifestyle. Bryan's hometown was also fun. The Bella Twins, thus far, are my favorite characters on the show (and Brie is my favorite of the two, which may be related to her wood-chopping outfit and love of organic foods). What can I say? Even the explanation of Twin Magic didn't bug me.

You know what's great? When your feedback doesn't annoy me. Give it your best shot and feel free to email me at itswilltime@gmail.com or to follow me and interact on twitter at twitter.com/itswilltime. Basically, let's be best friends.

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