Saturday, November 1 – 10:29 A.M. (CT)

-On Friday morning, I ventured out to a local convenience store to purchase Halloween candy only to discover that they didn't carry anything other than regular sized candy bars. I asked the woman behind the counter where the nearest place to find Halloween candy was located and she pointed me to two different towns.

I guess I live in the middle of nowhere now because it ended up turning into a one hour round trip just to find some Halloween candy. I thought about being cheap and picking up a couple bags of candy, but I remembered seeing and hearing a lot of kids in my new neighborhood, so I stocked up by purchasing five bags of candy for nearly $15.

I bought the good stuff. Butterfingers, peanut butter cups, Almond Joy. You know, the name brand stuff. Not that crappy toffee stuff wrapped in the orange and black paper that everyone's grandparents hand out. If you're under the age of 65 and you hand out this crap, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you are over the age of 65, then it's your duty to pass it out because I'm thoroughly convinced that retirees are keeping that hideous candy company in business.

My girlfriend thought I was nuts, but even she agreed that there were a lot of kids. My plan was to be overly generous with the candy if there were fewer trick or treaters than anticipated. We ventured out to do some grocery shopping and returned shortly after sundown, and I was ready to start handing out the good candy.

Thirty minutes passed and the doorbell never rang. I was getting anxious so I went outside to see if there were any kids in our neighborhood. I heard some kids in the distance and went back inside assuming it was only a matter of time before we started earning our reputation as the nice couple on the block that gave away the good treats.

45 minutes later and still no trick or treaters. Another hour passed. Nothing. Finally, my girlfriend turned off the front light and went to bed. I'm stubborn, so I went back downstairs and turned the light on for another 30 minutes with the intention of making anyone who showed up the happiest kid in the neighborhood by dumping at least three bags of candy into his Halloween bag.

By the time 11:30 p.m. rolled around, I finally gave up too. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? My friends and I went crazy on Halloween. We planned our attack and stayed out trick or treating until the last possible minute before our curfews and then ran home as fast as we could with the extra five pounds of candy weighting us down.

Fast forward 25 years and I have an five more pounds of candy. Sweets are my own personal heroin. I've eaten a peanut butter cup and an Almond Joy since I started writing this. By the end of the day, I'm going to be sprawled out on the floor in a sugar induced coma. I'm praying that I can unload all this crap on one of my nieces or nephews before it's too late.

-I ended up with plenty of free time last night so I had a chance to catch part of the "Ghost Hunters" live special with The Miz. I watched for about an hour and saw Miz on camera for roughly three minutes. He was placed with two people I've never seen before and he kept talking about what a nice guy he is. Miz even managed to sneak in a jab at DX by talking about how everyone thinks they're the good guys, but he's actually a great guy.

When they cut back to him and his crew about 45 minutes later, the skeptical Miz was taunting the ghosts and begging them to touch him or talk to him. This was actually very funny. Apparently, the producers didn't think agree, though, because they cut away again and went back to the two main guys. Grant, the guy who always sneaks a peak at the breasts of any female he meets (my girlfriend actually pointed this out), was acting like a ghost was pulling him from behind. Where was Miz with the Reality Check when we needed him most?

-I will be making a pair of radio appearances this weekend starting today with OWW Radio at 2:30 p.m. CT. I will also be appearing on the Unholy Matrimony show on Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. to discuss the male obsession with fantasy football and pro wrestling. You can listen to the show by visiting UBroadcast.com/comedy on Ch. 200.

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