Powell's Blog: Delusional rants from a sick man regarding Vince McMahon, Aces & 8's, Sting, Mae Young and Hornswoggle, Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray, and Santa Claus being run over by Alberto Del Rio

Posted in: Powell's Blog, MUST-READ LISTING
Jan 3, 2013 - 12:25 PM

By Jason Powell

I am sick. Why am I telling you? Because I turn into a needy child whenever I am sick. Those who know me well would probably say that's no different than my everyday personality, but it's intensified times 10,000 when I'm not feeling well. What's worse is that my girlfriend is also sick. No, it's not worse because I am such a caring person that I put her health above my own. Puh-lease.

Rather, it's worse because she is cutting into my sick time. Her unspoken duty is to take care of me when I'm ill - feed me, listen to me whine, take the dogs outside, nod and agree when I go on delusional rants about this being the year the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl, etc. I'm getting none of that this week.

I feel miserable enough that I would have called in reinforcements and tried to sleep this off if she wasn't home sick, but I am not going anywhere near that bedroom today. I become needy when I'm sick, but she becomes downright satanic. I am fairly convinced that I am dealing with the same demon that took over Sister Mary Eunice's body on American Horror Story. If only we had a staircase. Anyway, the following are the random thoughts of a man who has consumed too much NyQuil.

-No more pre-taped holiday week pro wrestling shows. Hooray! Wait, the first televised pro wrestling match in 2013 featured The Great Khali challenging for the U.S. Title? Post holiday depression is kicking in.

-Who in the hell thought the Mae Young and Hornswoggle skit looked funny on paper? Someone actually sat down at their laptop, wrote that segment, pitched it to Vince McMahon and a roomful of writers, it was discussed at the producers meeting, and it still made the final script. Stop and think about that for a moment.

-What kind of warped childhoods did Vince McMahon and Kevin Dunn have? It's bad enough they had newly turned (sorta) babyface Alberto Del Rio run over Santa Claus with a car for a Christmas Eve episode, but they made sure to get closeup shots of potentially traumatized youngsters?

-Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan are among the millions of Americans who don't watch TNA Impact Wrestling. We know this because they had no clue that Hulk Hogan caught them making out. Ray is still acting like there's nothing going on. Please tell me Brooke is so gullible that she's been duped into having sexual relations with a street walker who happens to look like Bully Ray.

-Aces & 8's better hope that Mr. Anderson is also among the millions of Americans who don't watch TNA Impact Wrestling. If he did watch last week's episode, then he should know by now that they hooked him up with DOC's sloppy seconds.

-Aces & 8's are secretly led by "Nasty" Nick Hogan. Okay, that's a lie, but I'm putting it out there because we all know how much TNA loves to surprise viewers and, more importantly, we know TNA changes directions if they suspect viewers have figured it out. I'm on to you, TNA!

-Sting is back!!! Wait, Sting has been away? Sting wants his bat back!!! Buy a new one, cheap ass. Oh, but he's wearing The Crow makeup again. Am I the only person who wishes he would shake things up, get with the times, and go with Fizbo the Clown makeup?

-The suit Vince McMahon wore on Raw made him look like a movie star. It's the same suit the old alcoholic wears when he sobers up just in time to appear at his estranged daughter's wedding at the end of the movie. I'm pretty sure you can find it in the "Old Alcoholic Redemption" section at Goodwill. Take it from a guy who is currently dressed in sick gear (Vikings t-shirt, sweatpants), Vince desperately needs a new wardrobe consultant.

-We are only hours away from Taz finding new ways to insult Todd Keneley for caring about his job enough to learn the names of holds and maneuvers while Taz's buddy "The Professor" sits uncomfortably silent. Will this be the week that Keneley finally snaps on live television and says, "Screw you, asshole, it's not my fault that you've coasted through most your TNA run and now feel threatened that I will be taking your job once your contract expires"? Probably not.

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