By Chris Shore

WWE Main Event on ION
Taped on 12/30 in Richmond, Va.

[Q1] The opening video aired, followed by the pyro, and Michael Cole and The Miz opened the show in the ring. They hyped having an update on CM Punk's knee for later in the show and setup the Antonio Cesaro hype video. Cesaro made his ring entrance and trashed his own hype video as typical American garbage TV.

Miz cut him off and told him to take his Swiss Miss hot chocolate and take the first Air Swiss flight out of town. Cole interrupted and said Cesaro had defeated every one he had faced since winning the title, but he had never faced a man like Khali. Khali's hype video aired. Backstage, Matt Striker tried to interview Khali about his match. Hornswoggle ran in and put a towel on Khali's shoulder and said Khali would win.

Natalya came in and put Khali over and then mothered him along with Horny. Khali told them to shut up and then said something I couldn't make out. Cole said he said "You stress too much." He walked off chanting, "USA" and Horny and Natty joined in. Khali made his entrance while a video recapped how he earned the title shot last week…[C]

Shore's Slant: Fair opening, but it seems unreal that this is the first match of 2013. Also, somebody needs to tell Khali and Natalya they aren't American. You would think they would know, but hey.

[Q2] 1. Great Khali (w/Hornswoggle and Natalya) vs. Antonio Cesaro for the United States Championship. Khali chopped Cesaro all over the ring. Horny pulled the ropes down and Cesaro fell to the floor. Cesaro chased him, but stopped when Horny hid behind Natty. Khali basketball palmed him back in the ring and hit another chop.

Cesaro rolled to the floor. Khali tried to drag him back in again, but Cesaro hit the leg and Khali went down. Cesaro worked the leg with strikes and various rest holds. Cesaro dropped an elbow and slid to the floor to chase away Khali's crew. Khali recovered and started an offensive run and WWE went to commercial…[C]

Shore's Slant: Wow. I haven't seen WWE go to a break in the middle of a match without doing some sort of floor dump or double sell since…well, I can't remember when.

Back from commercial, Cesaro again used the ropes to hit a hangman move on Khali's arm, but Khali essentially no sold it and continued to beat up Cesaro with chops. Cesaro ducked a chop, hit an uppercut, and lifted Khali for the Neutralizer and the win.

Antonio Cesaro retained the United States Championship by pinfall at 10:04.

Post-match, Striker interviewed Cesaro and asked about his disdain for the country. Cesaro cut him off and said it wasn't about him hating America, it was about him being superior to all of them. He said he was better than each and every one of them, and if the "pudgy chipmunk" had anything to say about it maybe he should face him like a man. Miz cut a rambling pro-USA promo and closed by saying this was the USA and it's awesome…

A video recapped how Kofi Kingston lost his title to Wade Barrett and Kofi speaking was hyped for next…[C]

Shore's Slant: Well, they managed not to make that match a complete shit fest, and all anyone will remember is the Neutralizer spot anyway. Not for nothing, but that was impressive to see. My phone rang just as Miz started his promo so I missed most of what he said. I don't think there was a challenge for next week, but if there is, they will hype it again later and I will let you know.

[Q3] A video recapped Vince McMahon telling CM Punk his knee would be checked by WWE physicians. A Tout from the WWE doctor cleared Punk to wrestle. Cole and Miz hyped Punk vs. Ryback on Monday in a TLC for the WWE title…

Cole and Miz welcomed Kofi to the announce booth and asked him about losing his title. Kofi said it was only a temporary event and a onetime thing. He started to say more, but Barrett came out and asked about it. Kofi took a mic and said he respected Barrett as a competitor, but the Intercontinental Championship was a part of him.

Barrett said the title needed someone who had prestige. He said he came from a background of grime under your fingernails.

Shore's Slant: Grime under your fingernails? Apparently prestige means something different in the Queen's English.

He said he was a real fighter, not an overhyped gymnast. He said he was going to prove it by challenging anyone in the back to a gauntlet match…A video recapped the end of the New Year's Eve Raw. Wow. I had to sit through this twice? Kill me…[C]

[Q4] 2. Yoshi Tatsu vs. Wade Barrett in a Gauntlet Match. Barrett hit the Bull Hammer elbow immediately for the win.

Wade Barrett won the first stage at 0:08.

JTG vs. Wade Barrett. JTG ran out and took a beating immediately, but not as bad Tatsu. JTG even got in a few moves while looking like a fool in his current gear. JTG went for the mug shot, but Barrett tossed him away and hit the Bull Hammer for the win…

Wade Barrett won stage two at 2:18.

Justin Gabriel vs. Wade Barrett. Gabriel ran out and hit a drop kick that sent Barrett to the floor…[C]

Back from commercial, Gabriel was in control, but Barrett shoved him to the floor to take control. Barrett hit a thrust kick and a pump handle slam for two. Barrett hit his kick in the ropes that spilled Gabriel to the floor. Gabriel climbed back in the ring hit a spinning heel kick and a moonsault for two. They battled near the ropes, and Barrett dropped Gabriel across the top rope, he followed with the Bull Hammer for the win.

Wade Barrett won the third stage at 11:01.

Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett. Kofi's music hit and Barrett looked confused. Kofi stood at the announce table and then jumped into the ring. He ran a straight series of strikes and finished with the Trouble in Paradise for the win…

Kofi Kingston defeated Wade Barrett in a gauntlet match at 11:45.

Kofi vs. Barrett for the title on Smackdown way hyped, and then Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler was hyped for the main event next week…[C]

Shore's Slant: Terrible gauntlet match because everyone was waiting for Kofi, and nobody cared until then. JTG looks awful in his new gear. Lose the do-rag or go back to the jeans. Gabriel and Barrett weren't bad, but it was underwhelming, and the crowd didn't seem to care that much about Gabriel. Overall, not the overall shitfest show I expected, but not one of the better Main Event episodes. Thanks for watching along with me tonight.

Questions? Comments? Anyone, anyone? Let me hear from you. Email me at css3238@gmail.com or tweet me @TheShoreSlant with whatever is on your mind.

And read my first work of fiction: The Following Contest is a Dark Match available exclusively on ebook for all eReaders, smartphones, tablets, and PCs for only 99 cents.

RECOMMEND THIS ARTICLE: