By Chris Shore

WWE Raw on USA
Live from Boston, Mass.

[Q1] The opening video aired, followed by the pyro, and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed us to Raw. He hyped the Rock being there, and then Justin Roberts introduced Michael Cole, who came running to the ring. There were two tables with cloths draped over them, and Cole introduced Jim Ross by calling him "the closest thing WWE has to a cartoon float."

Cole explained there were three challenges, and if JR won all three, he would get his job back and Cole would quit. JR nodded and Cole almost let him speak before taking the mic away. He pulled off the first cloth to reveal an arm wrestling table. Cole took his coat off and rolled up his sleeves. He patted his belly and called JR fat man. JR started to take his coat off and then decided he didn't need to.

They started to lock up and Cole walked away. He stalled and pretended to stretch and do one-arm pushups. He then stalled by clapping chalk on his hand. They finally locked up and JR beat him in two seconds. Cole was upset, but then said he gave up because JR's breath was so bad. They replayed it about 40 times, and then Cole said the second contest was a dance off. He said the WWE Universe would decide who won. Cole danced with a red scarf. JR danced to hip-hop.

Shore's Slant: MY EYES! MY EYES! IT BURNS SO BAD!

Cole said JR impressed him, and said if the Fatboys were still around, JR would have a job for life. He asked the audience who won. How you think that turned out? Cole went way over the top introducing the final challenge. He pulled the final cloth off to reveal a scale and said the final challenge was who weighed less. Cole was 200lbs, JR was 238. I'm sure you are all shocked. Cole introduced himself as the winner and CM Punk's music hit.

[Q2] Punk came to the ring and Cole flipped out. Punk said once it became apparent that Cole was not going to give JR a fair contest, he had to come out. He said the whole thing had been a waste of time. He said Cole's 15 minutes of fame was up. He said he was there to make Raw the best show it could be, and he was going to start by getting rid of Cole. He started to insult Cole more and John Lauriniatis came out on the stage to cut him off.

Johnny Ace said he was disappointed in Punk because his Twitter page, and his 38K followers, wanted to see the contest not broken up. Punk said, "Screw you and your 38K Twitter followers." Ace said he was there to give the people what he thought they wanted, and booked CM Punk and Big Show vs. Mark Henry and Alberto Del Rio. He walked off and Cole laughed at Punk. Cole demanded Punk apologize and got in his face. Punk head-butted him and locked on the anaconda vice as Cole screamed. Punk stopped and looked at the camera and said he was sorry again as his music played…

Backstage, Matt Striker stood beside a SUV limo and said he was there for the return of one of the greatest WWE stars of all time, and that the star would address the WWE Universe. The door opened, and it was Mick Foley. Striker asked what Foley was doing there and Foley said he wouldn't miss the return of the Rock…[C]

Shore's Slant: Punk was off the charts good there, but for the love of all that is good in the world, if you are going to do stupid JR jokes AT LEAST BE FUNNY. He's fat. We get it. Most of your audience is too WWE. Way to alienate your audience.

A video recapped the Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes street fight from two weeks ago on Smackdown…Sin Cara made his ring entrance and it turns out JR decided to stay. Kofi Kingston made his entrance, followed by Cody Rhodes with new business. He did a cut-in promo and said Randy Orton didn't massacre him in the street fight. He said something else, but I could not hear it. Hunico was out next…

1. Cody Rhodes and Hunico defeated Sin Cara and Kofi Kingston at 8:07. Sin Cara and Hunico started. Cara hit his arm drags and tagged in Kofi. They knocked both heels to the floor and hit crossbodies from the top to the floor…

[Q3][C] Back from commercial, at 5:00, Rhodes worked a rest hold on Sin Cara. He and Hunico worked in and out on Sin Cara, focusing on the leg. Cara hit a flying head scissor out of nowhere and got the hot tag to Kofi. Kofi worked over Cody and went for the pin. Hunico broke it up, but Sin Cara took him out, and that allowed Cody to hit Cross Rhodes for the win…Post-match, the Rock was shown walking backstage…[C]

Shore's Slant: JR pointed out Cody wasn't wearing the mask anymore, so I guess that explains the new music. The match was OK but very, very forgettable. Cody didn't get much on this, if anything, but nobody lost anything either.

A shot of Boston was shown, and then Santino Marella was playing WWE '12. He had Rock kicking Cena's ass. Zack Ryder walked up and asked Santino to sign his petition to get a US Title shot. Santino cut a sales promo on the WWE '12 and the special "People's Edition." I think that's real. Check with your local video game dealer. They argued for a moment over who was better, Cena or Rock, and then agreed the men were going to beat Awesome Truth. H asked Santino to sign the petition and Santino did…

[Q4] The announce team put over the video game and then Vickie Guerrero came out. She announced that Christian was injured and blamed it on Teddy Long. She started to announce something else, but Dolph Ziggler came out and cut her off. He announced he would be replacing Christian on Team Barrett. He put himself over, and then said he would beat Mason Ryan next…[C]

Shore's Slant: Another solid promo from Ziggler. It wasn't great stuff, but he seems much more comfortable than in the past. And maybe that's what is most important.

Back from commercial, Johnny Ace was at ringside with Cole, who was in a sling. Ace made JR leave and put Cole back on the headset. Dammit. Mason Ryan was out next…

2. Mason Ryan defeated Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero) by Disqualification at 1:03. Ryan tossed Ziggler around and then gorilla pressed him. Vickie climbed on the apron and Ryan dropped Ziggler. He walked over to Vickie and she slapped him, causing the DQ. Ziggler left the ring and tried to leave, but John Morrison ran out and rolled him in the ring so Ryan could hit his full-nelson slam…

Mick Foley was walking backstage and Ryder stopped him. They fist pumped together and Foley signed the petition. He is headed to the ring, next…[C]

Shore's Slant: Well that was weird. Yeah, the Ryder/Foley was, but so was the whole match segment. I would have bet the house on the fact that Ryder got the next shot, but Morrison looks to be moving into a program with Ziggler. And what about Ryan? What a mess.

Mick Foley made his entrance and said there was no place like home. He put over the John Cena and Rock tag team. The fans booed Cena, and Foley said that was the problem, and said he wanted people to see Cena like he saw him, one of the greatest of all times. The fans cheered then.

[Q5] Foley introduced Cena who came out to what sounded like a decent pop. It will be interesting to see what our correspondents say. Cena took a mic and put over Foley asking him to join him in the ring. Cena said he and Rock didn't need to be friends to be a tag team. He said he picked the Rock because he was great, not because they were friends.

They spent the next five minutes putting each other over, with Foley doing most of the work. Foley showed off his shirt, which I only then realized was a half Cena/half Rock shirt. He said he wanted to be the thread to tie them together. He said he was going to do it by presenting, "John Cena, This is your Life."

Shore's Slant: Jason Powell is a dead man for going out of town.

Foley played a video with pictures and video of Cena throughout his life. He brought out Cena's baseball coach who said Cena was at bat in the bottom of the 6th with the bases loaded and he struck out and cried all night. Foley said everybody strikes out periodically. Cena said Foley is striking out now.

Foley brought out Bull Buchanan who was Cena's partner back at the beginning of his thug act. Buchanan put over Cena, and then ran down all the bad things that happened to him after he was fired and screamed that Cena ruined his life. He stormed off and Foley was apologetic.

[Q6] Foley brought out Cena's dad, and he cut a promo in a way over the top "white guy" cadence and said he had a message for all the people who said Cena sucked. He said, "He doesn't suck, you suck." I almost grinned there. He continued on in the same vain until Cena cut him off and sent him to the back.

Cena told Foley he appreciated all of it, but that wasn't his life. He said the 20x20 box they were in was his life. He said appearing before the fans, whether they booed him or cheered him, was his life. Foley tried to push on and started to introduce the next person. The Rock's music hit and he stormed to the ring. He entered the ring, hit the Rock Bottom on Foley, and left. Cena laughed and punked Foley as Rock left…[C]

Shore's Slant: That was terrible. It didn't entertain. It didn't get anybody over. It burned up the first pop for the Rock. What a mess.

Sheamus made his entrance and a video showed him giving some award to Justin Bieber. Jack Swagger was out next with Vickie…

3. Sheamus defeated Jack Swagger (w/Vickie Guerrero) at 8:49. Swagger got in a few shots, but Sheamus slammed him and then knocked him to the floor…[C]

Back from commercial, Sheamus hit his clubs in the ropes and then a suplex for two. Swagger clipped the leg after a Vickie distraction and followed with a shoulder tackle.

[Q7] Swagger worked the back with forearms, but Sheamus punched back and went back to work. He went for the Celtic Cross, but Swagger escaped and hit Sheamus from behind. He locked on the ankle lock, but Sheamus kicked him to the floor. Sheamus followed with the Irish Curse and the Brogue kick for the win…

Backstage, Ryder convinced the Bellas to sign his petition. Alberto Del Rio walked up and the Bellas turned the whore on, asking him about his car and saying they thought he was interesting no matter what Punk said. They asked if they could hang out with him in NY after he beat Punk Sunday. Del Rio said he was going to throw the best party money could buy. Ryder told the whores not to go with Del Rio, but with him to Long Island and they would fist pump all night. He invited "Al" and "Ricky" to join him. They rolled their eyes and walked off, and then the whores did the same…[C]

Shore's Slant: Could that Sheamus vs. Swagger match have been any more boring? Wow. I almost fell asleep. And the Bellas are just booked as whores. I hope they are, cause that's the reputation they have.

Back from commercial, five Divas were in the ring for a second before a video showed Kelly Kelly doing the photo shoot for her Maxim cover…

4. Kelly Kelly (w/Alicia Fox and Eve) defeated Natalya (w/Beth Phoenix) at 0:49. Kelly hit the booty bump in the corner, and then Beth distracted her. Natty tried to lock in the Sharpshooter, but Kelly hooked a small package for the win…[C]

Shore's Slant: I………I……I got nothing. What exactly was the point? To sell the magazine?

[Q8] A video hyped Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton and Sheamus on Smackdown…Backstage, Johnny Ace was on the phone with Brodus Clay and said Clay would get overshadowed by the Rock, so he wanted to wait until next week to make it a big debut.

Del Rio and Rodriguez walked up. Ace said Del Rio should take Punk more serious. He said he didn't care who was champion, but CM Punk would be more trouble if he was champion. Del Rio said that wasn't going to happen. He said Punk wasn't going to make it to Survivor Series.

Matt Striker was with Awesome Truth backstage. He tried to ask them about getting respect and getting recognized by Cena and Rock. They both looked pissed and walked off without saying anything…The announce team ran down the current Survivor Series card…Punk was shown walking backstage. Del Rio jumped him from behind and slammed him into a truck trailer before the refs pulled him away…[C]

Shore's Slant: This show is terrible. I do not honestly think I could care less about Survivor Series. I actually have no desire to see the Rock.

Ric Rod introduced Del Rio. Mark Henry was out next in his new shirt. Big Show was out next. Punk was out last, and chased Del Rio around the ring for a minute before settling down…

[Q9] 5. Alberto Del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) and Mark Henry defeated Big Show and CM Punk at 12:05. Show and Del Rio started. Show got the quick control and tagged in Punk. Punk went crazy and kicked Del Rio about a thousand times. Show tagged back in and Del Rio escaped to tag in Henry. Henry and Show locked up three times with no result. Show finally took his shirt off, and he shoved Henry to the ground. He tried to pick up Henry for a slam, but fell under the weight. That was stupid.

Del Rio tagged in and kicked Show a few times before tagging Henry back in. Henry beat up Show, but then Show hit a running shoulder tackle and cocked for the WMD. Henry saw it and tagged Del Rio before going to the floor. Del Rio screamed at Henry without getting in the ring into the break…[C]

Back from commercial, the heels worked in and out on Punk. Both men were in the ring working on Punk, and Big Show ran in and hit a superkick on both heels. Punk went to the top jumped off to hit Del Rio, but Henry shoved him out of the way and caught Punk to hit the World's Strongest Slam. Show ran in and knocked Henry to the floor. They battled on the floor and Henry shoved Show into the post.

Del Rio covered Punk for the win, and then locked on the cross arm breaker for a long time until Show ran him off. Punk sold the arm being hurt…

[Q10] A video replayed the Rock hitting the Rock Bottom on Foley…[C]

Shore's Slant: A ho hum match that got crazy with the Show super kick thing. I'm being told that he's used it before, but I swear I don't ever remember it before. This didn't do much to sell me on the Survivor Series, though having the heels win and look strong certainly was the right call.

Santino made his ring entrance. He said it was in Boston where he almost won the Royal Rumble. He said the next time we see him, he's going to be champion. Kevin Nash's music hit and he came to the ring. Santino asked him if he was there to beat him up and prove a statement.

Nash asked why he would do that since he's a big fan. Nash asked him to do the trombone. Santino did, and Nash gave him the big boot. Nash said he was in the Rumble too, and he blew the roof off the place. He said Triple H didn't have the business sense to hire him, but tonight he was at Raw and Hunter wasn't. He jack-knifed Santino and left…Randy Orton was shown backstage getting ready…[C]

Shore's Slant: I really wish I was just falling into the lazy Internet reporter mode of being snarky about this show. I'm not. This is the worst Raw in weeks, and none of the past few episodes have been even close to good.

Jonah Hill was announced for the guest host next week…Wade Barrett made his entrance with his Survivor Series team. A video highlighted the Barrett vs. Orton match from Smackdown. Barrett said he was going to de-venomize the viper.

[Q11] Orton and his team made their entrance…[C]

6. Randy Orton (w/Team Orton) defeated Wade Barrett (w/Team Barrett) at 3:37. Barrett took quick control and worked a chin lock forever. Orton finally reversed into a back suplex. He hit his scoop slam and rope DDT. He setup for the RKO, and then Team Barrett attacked. Team Orton jumped in and they cleared the ring except for Hunico. Hunico took an RKO, and then Mason Ryan gorilla press tossed him onto the heels on the floor…The video replayed the Rock Bottom from earlier, and the Rock was hyped for next…[C]

Shore's Slant: I hope to God e get to see the quarter hour breakdown on this show. I have no idea if Rock has enough star power to overcome this steaming pile of slag WWE has been pushing for almost three hours now. It wouldn't be enough for me, truth be told.

[Q12] Justin Roberts awkwardly announced the Rock, and he made his ring entrance and played to the crowd for several minutes. He said at 3:15 a.m. he woke up and was eating breakfast by 3:30 with no Fruity Pebbles in sight. He talked about all he did that day and built until he did his, "Finally, the Rock has come back…" line.

Rock said in six days he would be at Survivor Series, but that was in six days. He said that wasn't right now. He said he loved Mick Foley, but there was no way he would allow Foley to continue his garbage. He said he was the most electrifying man in all of Twitter-tainment. He said when he says things, they trend. He said "Boots to Asses" but said it was trending right now. Except it wasn't. The crowd chanted "boots to asses."

Rock said he didn't want to wait until Sunday, he wanted to beat Awesome Truth and he wanted to do it tonight. Awesome Truth made their ring entrance. Miz did his "Really?" bit and handed off to Truth, Truth said that tonight Raw got rocked, but when they come out, Raw gets--Miz jumped in with "Awesome." Miz said they were going to let Rock have his moment, because on Sunday, Rock was going to get beat.

[Overrun] Cena's music hit and he came to the ring. He said his partner was the captain of team bring it, but all he brought was video via satellite. Rock said his partner wasn't used to being supported by people who have gone through puberty. Cena made another crack, and then Rock said his partner was so concerned with rising against hate, but he ought to be concerned with the Rock's size 15 rising up and kicking him in his lady parts. He said "Cean's Lady Parts," was now trending on Twitter.

Cena said that if his partner let ego get in-between them on Sunday, they would lose to Awesome Truth. Miz did his "really" bit again and said nobody cared about who was stealing the spotlight. He said they would beat Rock and Truth Sunday. The fans chanted "boots to asses" again and Rock said the fans were reminding him that they were there tonight, and Boots to Asses. He attacked Truth and Cena attacked Miz. Rock hit a Rock Bottom on Truth. Cena went for the AA on Miz, but Rock pulled him down and hit the Rock Bottom on Miz and left the ring. He and Cena jawed with Rock on the ramp and Cena in the ring to end the show…

Shore's Slant: That did not sell a single PPV. Not a one. I honestly doubt one person who was not already buying Survivor Series saw that and went, "Well hell yeah I'm buying that show." There isn't enough intrigue between Rock and Cena to matter, and they just beat the hell out of the heel tag team. What is my motivation for tuning in? Same with the traditional Survivor Series match.

This may be the worst PPV build since Capitol Punishment. Of course that show did better than expected, but I think that was an anomaly. This show will do well, but it will not approach the amount of money it could have. So very disappointing. I'll have more to say later with the member's exclusive audio review. Thanks for reading along tonight.

Questions? Comments? Anyone, anyone? Let me hear from you. Email me at css3238@gmail.com or tweet me @TheShoreSlant with whatever is on your mind.

And read my first work of fiction: The Following Contest is a Dark Match available exclusively on ebook for all eReaders, smartphones, tablets, and PCs for only 99 cents.

RECOMMEND THIS ARTICLE: