By Ryan Kester

TNA Impact on Spike TV

Taped in Orlando, Fla. at the Impact Zone

[Q1] A video recapped last week’s Impact to open the show. This week’s episode is titled "Queen Closeau."

As the show went to the Impact Zone, the ring was full of Knockouts and female TNA staff. Taz and Mike Tenay checked in on commentary before Jeff Jarrett’s music hit and he and Karen made their way to the ring. Karen was sporting an umbrella on her way to the ring, playing off of the horse crap fiasco from last week.

When they got to the ring, Karen addressed the assembled women and told them that she brought them all out because Kurt had hired a "mistress slut" to take her out, and she wanted to nip that problem in the bud. She started in on the elderly caterer that was in the ring, saying she had been eyeballing Kurt for years.

Karen said the caterer would always make sure to have a spot and fresh food ready for Kurt whenever he would show up. She said, "Everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s the oldest trick in the book". She even called the caterer a "senior Schoolgirl." The caterer denied the charge and said she needed to go make pot roast before leaving the ring.

Karen then turned her attention to Jolene the seamstress. Ashe said for the past six years she’s watched as Jolene ran her hands all over Kurt’s body, and then she took a cheap shot at the size of Kurt’s "inseam". Jolene said she was only doing her job and then she left the ring. Karen turned to Miss Tessmacher, and talked about the various places she heard that Tessmacher and Kurt were sighted together. Tessmacher had an answer for each location, saying that there was plenty of other TNA talent t the locations. Karen told Miss Tessmacher to consider herself warned, and Miss Tessmacher purposefully dropped something only to bend over and pick it up.

After Miss Tessmahcer left the ring, Karen turned to Mexican America, and accused them of being after Kurt. They said they wanted nothing to do with a "gringo." Karen let them go and turned to Madison and Tara, who deflected the accusations by bickering with one another.

Finally, we got to velvet Sky, who Karen really laid into. She said Velvet had nowhere else to go with her career, and the only thing she could do was lay down for Kurt Angle. Velvet tried to slap Karen, but Jeff was there to stop her, he got in her face, so Velvet responded my slapping Jeff. Karen then pushed Velvet, who responded by grabbing two handfuls of Karen’s hair. They battled back and forth as Angelina Love and Winter made their way to the ring. Angelina attacked Velvelt and beat her down as Winter forced So cal val to ring the bell and start Velvelt and Angelina’s match.

[Q2] 1. Angelina Love defeated Velvet Sky via submission in 5:42. A ref made his way to the ring as the show went to its first commercial break… [C]

Angelina pulled on Velvet’s hair as the show came back from break. Velvet tried to beat on Angelina, but Angelina completely no-sold the onslaught. Angelina clotheslined Velvet and choked her on the ropes. She very slowly worked a single punch or hair pull for about a minute until Velvet hit a jawbreaker and a bulldog to finally bring Angelina to the mat. Velvet then, for no discernible reason, went to jaw at Winter and ended up getting laid out. This allowed Angelina to come back and hit a bicycle kick on Velvet. She then locked in what looked like a cross between a camel clutch and a sleeper hold and choked Velvet out to end the match.

Backstage, Anderson showed up in a jacked-up truck and said he wanted his rematch for the TNA title… [C]

Ryan’s Rant: Wow, there’s a lot to catch up on here. The opening was alright, but I don’t like seeing all of the focus on women calling each other sluts, and having a non-wrestler being the focus of the opening. They could have easily made that segment take place later in the show, and hyped the main event for the evening in the opener. The match was terrible. This is my first exposure to this storyline, and I already hate it. Also, I am very green with TNA, so I ask for your patience and understanding. Also, Anderson’s truck can’t last long.

[Q3] Back from the break, Matt Morgan was screaming his head off and tearing apart the back because he was looking for Scott Steiner.

Anarquia made his entrance with the rest of Mexican America. He cut a promo about how gringos would salute them the same way they salute the Mexican flag. He also hyped that next week the stable would celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Chris Sabin made his entrance.

2. Anarquia defeated Chris Sabin via pinfall at 1:20. Anarquia attacked right after the bell rang and hit Sabin with a snapmare. Sabin immediately came back with a flying forearm to Anarquia. He hit a springboard elbow and got a two-count and then seemed to be favoring a knee. Anarquia botched a small package and rolled up Sabin to score an easy three count.

After the match, Mexican America attacked Sabin and forced him to salute the Mexican flag before Alex Shelley made his triumphant return and chased the stable off with his belt.

Steiner was shown backstage and he taunted Morgan. He said he beat Morgan down last week because he could, and if Morgan wanted him, he wasn’t going anywhere… [C]

Ryan’s Rant: What a weak match. That was terrible. Also, TNA did their absolute best to take all of the Impact out of Shelly’s return. That could not have fallen flatter.

Back from commercial, Steiner jumped Morgan and the two brawled back and forth. Steiner had the upper hand for a while, but Morgan battled back and took control.

[Q4] The brawl ended when Morgan threw Steiner into a fridge, and forced him to apologize for his attack from last week.

Sting was seen backstage walking to Anderson’s truck. He pulled out a bat and broke every window on the truck, and left his bat in the middle of the windshield. He walked away and the announcers hyped, for the first time, a TV title match between Gunner and Daniels after the break… [C]

Ryan’s Rant: Well, the truck already looked gaudy to begin with so it had it coming. Also, Steiner could not have looked more like a little bitch than he did by being forced to apologize after a relatively mild beat down.

After the break, Christopher Daniels and Gunner made their respective entrances.,,

3. Gunner defeated Christopher Daniels in 5:04. The match began with Daniels working a series of stiff kicks and chops to Gunner’s head. Gunner eventually took control after catching Daniels with a knee to the gut. He worked a reverse bear hug on Daniels. When Daniels broke out, he tossed him into the corner and worked him over with a series of punches to the gut. He whipped him across the ring and charged, but Daniels moved out of the way. Daniels then went to the top and hit a kick on Gunner.

Daniels ran the ropes and nailed Gunner with a running STO. He lifted Gunner to the top rope and hit the fall From Grace for a two count. He went for Angel Wings but Gunner threw Daniels to the corner. Daniels fought back and went for the BME, but missed. Gunner then hit the F5 and put Daniels away.

Sting was shown walking backstage as the show went to break…

Ryan’s Rant: Way to make Christopher Daniel’s return look like it matters, TNA. It upsets me that a few months ago, Daniels was wrestling for another TV title that actually means something and had a great match while doing so. I hope they’re paying him well because in TNA, he means absolutely nothing.

[Q5] [C] Sting made his entrance and said Anderson left all of the windows down on his truck. He called Anderson out to the ring, and Anderson instantly obliged. Anderson had the bat Sting left in Anderson’s truck. Anderson asked if Sting bashed out all of the windows on his truck. Sting played around for a bit at first, but eventually admitted it. Anderson shrugged it off, said he was rich, and that he’d simply replace them. He said he was not going to be tricked, and he could play these games better than Sting. He then asked for a title shot tonight.

RVD’s godawful music hit and he headed to the ring. RVD told Sting to give Anderson the shot so that he’d quit complaining all the time. Sting accepted the offer, and told Anderson he was on for a title match tonight. Hulk Hogan’s music hit and then he came out carrying a pipe and joined the talk on the stage. Hogan jawed at Sting and told him if he wanted a fight, he’d get one. He made the title match a three way between Sting, Anderson, and Bully Ray. Bully ray came to the stage and took the pipe from Hogan as the show went to break…

Ryan’s Rant: That should have been the opener. Decent hype, but the Anderson whiny character gets on my nerves, as does Hogan being on TV whatsoever.

[Q6] [C] Backstage, Samoa Joe talked about Crimson’s undefeated streak and how it would never surpass his own. He said his streak would never be repeated.

Crimson and Samoa Joe made their entrances.

4. Samoa Joe vs. Crimson ended in a no contest in 3:07. Crimson started the match off with a huge big boot. Joe quickly returned the favor with a running leg lariat. He threw Crimson into the corner and hit a big thump. Crimson came back and hit an impressive t-bone suplex and neckbreaker on Joe. He then botched a suplex attempt before dropping his knee on Joe’s skull.

Crimson threw Joe into the corner and charged, only to be caught with an uranage slam before he could make contact. Crimson poured out to ringside and tried to recover as Joe followed him to the floor. Then, out of nowhere, Abyss showed up and attacked crimson, ending the match. Joe left the two to their own devices, and Abyss hit crimson with the Black hole Slam in the middle of the ring.
Backstage, Anderson bitched about not getting a fair title shot for the third time in the evening. He then used Brock Lesnar’s "chicken salad out of chicken shit" line from the Ultimate Fighter.

Ryan’s Rant: That was a much better match. I simply wish it had gone on longer. Also, if your big thing is that Crimson has an undefeated streak, you should really protect that and not have wonky finishes like this one. If he won via DQ, it would be bad enough, but a no-contest is not a win.

The announcers hyped the main event and Mickie James made her way to the ring… [C]

[Q7] Mickie James cut a brief promo about capturing the TNA Knockouts Championship...

Bully Ray was shown backstage talking to Abyss and saying that he’d trade all 23 runs with various tag championships for one reign as the TNA champion… [C]

Back from the break, Anderson, Sting, and Bully Ray made their entrances. Bully Ray brought the pipe down to the ring with him. Jeremy Borash handled the championship introductions.

5. Sting defeated Mr. Anderson and Bully Ray via pinfall in 11:32. Sting started the match roughing up Anderson while Bully Ray waited for his opening to attack. He did so, and hit Sting with a sidewalk slam. He went for the cover, and Anderson broke up the pinfall attempt. Anderson then hit Sting with a clothesline, and went for a cover of his own, only to have Bully Ray break it up.

Bully Ray and Anderson exchanged blows until Sting hit each man with a double clothesline. Bully Ray came back and hit Sting with a big boot, and the show went to break with Anderson selling on the floor… [C]

[Q8] Back from commercial, Bully Ray hit Anderson with a suplex. The two got in another exchange of blows until Anderson hit Bully ray with a neckbreaker. Sting then joined the fray by hitting a clothesline to Anderson. Sting bumped the ref, and Bully Ray introduced the pipe into the match. He struck Sting in the gut with it.

Then, AJ Styles ran out and attacked Bully Ray. Sting, having recovered, picked up the pipe and hit Bully ray in the skull with it. A fresh ref ran from the back and hit the 1-2-3 for Sting… [C]

Back from commercial, a series of rapid-fire backstage segments went by. Bully ray complained about AJ Styles, AJ talked about needing to feed his kids, Steiner said he kicked Morgan’s ass, Karen complained about Velvet’s slap, Velvet complained about being called a slut, and then Karen and Jeff closed the show by hyping the appearance of Kurt’s mistress next week on Impact!

Ryan’s Rant: They should have just ended with the main event. Why did we need a ref bump in a three way match? Aren’t those by design no disqualification matchs? Another overbooked main event by TNA, though more on the mild side than what they normally do. All in all, this was a terrible show. I found myself staring at my watch wishing it would just end, and my sister surprised me with a visit with my two nephews. This is the only time I’ve had wrestling on and I felt embarrassed to be seen watching it. Thank you for following along with me.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at ryan.kester@gmail.com or find me on twitter at @Ryan_Kester.

RECOMMEND THIS ARTICLE: